**Warning – Contains Disturbing Content.**
There are some feelings that we just cannot seem to let go, and for me, suicide seems to be one of them. I always feel this overwhelming darkness that takes over my every thought and makes me doubt my life’s worth. It gets in the way with life a lot of the time and I am reduced to feeling like a lesser person almost every other day. I am writing this article as a way to self-reflect, but also as a way for others to relate. Sometimes, we just need people to relate to, to know that we are not alone in this.
**Please note that the article below describes some of my personal experiences with suicide and are not easy to talk about, so if you are light-hearted, please do not continue**
Introduction: My Back Story
I will not go into too much detail because it is still a difficult topic to discuss, so will keep it relatively brief.
I did not have the best childhood. I constantly had to move schools because my family moved house and I was not able to form the friendships that most other children my age had. During my teenage years, is when the depression first struck. I was bullied to the point where I self-harmed for the first time and made suicidal attempts. I did not have many friends that I could confidently talk to, so I was quite the ‘loner‘ back then. Also, because I was not like most of the other girls, who seemingly lost their virginity at a younger age (circumstances could have been from anything, but they often bragged about it) and wore tons of make-up, I was practically an outcast. I knew from school that I did not want children, therefore, took all the abuse from my peers when I told them I did not want to go out with them wearing short skirts etc. Due to this, I was not invited anywhere and was always a last choice. Yes, this saddened me greatly, but my sole focus was to just survive school and leave everyone and everything behind. My grades back-dropped significantly because I did not want to turn up to lessons, in fear of being mocked by my classmates, which took place all throughout my secondary education. Further education was not so bad, as I was treated more like an adult, then higher education just caused a huge array of problems. (See this article for more details- https://chelseaeede1221.wixsite.com/inquisitivewisdom/single-post/2017/07/08/The-Heart-of-Corruption-in-Education)
Home life for me felt disastrous and it still does from time to time. I do not get on with a lot of distant family, as they do not really understand me. Yes, some of them have been through similar experiences but they go about ‘fixing‘ it in the wrong way, which makes me feel worse. I do appreciate that they listen, but when they attempt to fix everything, it becomes a problem.
As for my day-to-day living, I live with my sister who is severe on the autistic spectrum, therefore, gets most of the attention in the house. Unfortunately, I no longer talk to my sister as much as I used to because I used to have to endure physical abuse from her. I felt like a ‘human punchbag,‘ because I was always the one she would target whenever she was in a bad mood. My younger brother practically has his life together at a young age. He has a job, a car, has been on holiday abroad with his friends already, gets on with family, has many friends and a partner, and is now looking to move out. No signs of struggle in his life, just one smooth road, which sometimes frustrates me because I never had that option, but I am proud of him regardless. My mother and I talk from time to time, but convincing her that some days I genuinely cannot talk due to low moods can be extremely difficult, as she would often listen to fix the problem, instead of just listening. I am grateful that she listens, do not get me wrong…but some things really cannot be fixed by others throwing solutions at you.
Then finally, my father. (There are a range of things that have been done, but I will only say the following). No matter what I did, I always felt nothing but disappointment from him, and it really showed after receiving my GCSE results. Once I received my grades, I felt awful and there was little to no support from him. I have not really had a good relationship with him and I have come to believe that I do not deserve a lot of things because of it. Example – I do not like receiving gifts or celebrating my birthday, achievements or occasions, because I do not believe the days are worth celebrating. I have not celebrated my birthday in over 5 years. Throughout primary and secondary school, I was always compared to my brother and his partners daughter, who seemed to be high-achievers. This ruined my relationship with them. Even though I did not realise it until later, I seemed to get emotionally abused a lot of the time. I tried my very best to revise and achieve those higher grades, but I just could not seem to reach them. (I was later diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome).
He made me doubt my self-worth and I honestly felt like a lesser person, almost like a second-class citizen. It was from then that I decided to cut-him out of my life completely. When I see my younger brother getting along with him so well, it almost tears me up inside, because I know I cannot have that. He will never change his ways, so I must remain almost…fatherless. A father-daughter relationship is all I have ever really wanted. Is that so much to ask for?
I have had depression for a while and it really shows in my day-to-day adult life. The depression has been caused by a range of factors as stated above, and with that, many more suicide attempts and self-harm situations. It really hit me during the last year of university and afterwards. Unfortunately, to add to that, I have also had to deal with regular flashbacks from my last year of university. The doctors are diagnosing me with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), which prevents me from being able to work, drive and volunteer for a while. I can not remain in an office environment for too long and writing with a clicky pen (which is most pens), is a trigger. Writing is what I love as well, so it does cause me distress sometimes.
And, there we have it. That is a brief backstory to my life.
Suicide Is Almost Always On My Mind:
I keep hearing my friends tell me that, “it will get better with time,” or “you will not have to deal with this forever,”
I know mental health takes time to manage, but I have had to deal with these feelings for over 10 years, and they torment me everyday. Constantly hearing a voice in my head, that seems to get louder and louder as each day passes, telling me to kill myself is draining and sometimes, I feel really pressured to do it. What a lot of people will tell you is that when you suffer from depression, there will be many times where you feel an overwhelming wave of sadness, self-doubt, and all things negative. It happens at completely unexpected times too, which makes it even worse! I could be in the middle of writing my stories, having an alright day, then suddenly, I will feel really bad.
It feels like a huge dark pit in your stomach that you cannot crawl out of. Every time the feelings come along, you want so badly to curl up into the fetal position and just sleep or cry it out. There have been times where I would not get out of bed or eat for days, which caused me health problems, such as insomnia and weight loss. When I feel this way, I honestly cannot trust myself to be alone. There have been many times where I have attempted suicide without anyone knowing, and to this day, I am barely hanging on. I feel it will only take one tiny slip-up to really push me to the edge again. So, whenever I am asked by my friends or the doctor, “when was the last time you felt this way?” I have to reply, “always.”
Because, the feelings never really go away. They just wait for the next time to strike in dormancy. In the past, I did not want to die, but every time I have a flashback, am reminded of my time at university, the depression kicks in and personal problems appear, I honestly yearn for nothing more than death. I even wrote a death letter!
My wish, which pains me… is to no longer exist.
It has come to a point now that I no longer feel I am ‘fixable.’ I do try to get better, but it feels like whatever I do, it has the same outcome. Why continue to attempt to attain happiness if you know the outcome will not be positive? Is that not just torture to oneself? I do not believe that I deserve happiness and constantly feel like I am a burden or an inconvenience to those closest to me, which is why I end up doing things alone. I tend not to ask for things or favours of my friends, but am always here to provide. I understand what it is to have nothing, so I do my best to prevent that from happening to those I hold dear.
The Urges Are There:
Those who suffer from depression will know that the feelings of suicide are almost always there. The urge to self-harm when you need relief is huge, so to overcome that temptation is really an achievement in itself. I do not really celebrate my achievements as stated above, but I really should start. What is even harder, is trying to talk yourself out of suicidal thoughts. Honestly, when I have suicidal thoughts, my mind is set and I will go out of my way to cause as much harm to myself as possible. Sometimes I will tell my friends and other times I will remain silent by withdrawing myself completely. When the suicidal thoughts occur, I feel a huge state of hopelessness, uselessness and worthlessness. They swirl around my mind in a rush and make me doubt my self-worth.
How Do I Feel When I Think Like This:
Every time I attempt suicide but do not succeed, I feel weak and like a failure. I could not even do this one task. I could have ended my pain permanently, but something always pulls me back. This is not living. The only thing I feel I am doing is surviving and existing. If I cannot find a reason to live, then who else can? I know that I cannot find a reason to live for myself. I cannot find a reason to live for others. I cannot find a suitable reason to live. I feel like a complete waste of space that no-one cares about. I feel so un-loved all of the time, and feel like a blockade that people just want to get around. I feel that I am disturbing people’s lives with my problems, and it honestly makes me really sad. The amount of times I have cried out for help, but no-one respond is heart-breaking. It is almost like anytime someone mentions ‘mental health,’ everyone turns a blind eye and expects someone else to deal with it. Well, what if no-one deals with it? You could have had the chance to help someone who clearly cried out for help and was at their lowest point, but committed suicide in the end anyway, because you thought someone else would deal with it. I know how this feels!
The amount of times I have cried myself to sleep or felt extremely low during days out, is too many to count. I could be with my closest friends and still feel completely alone. Even on good days I still think about killing myself. A common question I ask myself is:
“What is wrong with me?”
I cannot even enjoy the company of my friends without feeling low, and it is not as easy as snapping out of it. Once you are in, you are in. How do you escape something like that? It is like being placed into a dark room that does not allow any light in. It is just an endless room of darkness. The only thing that can keep you company is your own mind, but even that is fighting against you.When you do find a small aspect of happiness, the depression drags you back down and you crash even harder than before! The feelings of loneliness and despair eventually overwhelm you and you want nothing more than the silence to take over and end the pain permanently. Even if it means hurting those closest to you.
Talking about this is a difficult thing to do in person, so writing it seems to be easier. I am not proud of the attempts I have made on my life, but it really comes to a point of no-return when no-one communicates back to you at a low point. That is the one thing someone needs when they are about to commit. They need someone to show that they actually care and will put in the effort to help them. I have had so many people in my life say that they will always be there for me, and that they are only a message away, but every time I message them…they do not seem to respond, which makes me think I have done something wrong. Therefore, for future reference, please do not say you will be there if you know you will not be. Someone who is on the edge will take that to heart.
I have attempted suicide so many times in the past and sometimes still do. From bridge jumps to severe self-harm, pill overdoses, alcohol consumption and more… they have been done and it pains me to know that none of them have worked, because as each day goes by, my life seems to get worse and worse. Call it defeatist if you like, but it is how I feel. When I am in those states, I can guarantee, anything you say will not be taken into account. Words do not seem to help in those situations, more so efforts.
I do not tend to picture my future because I cannot imagine it. It is not something I look forward to, because I think of all the little details, such as – costs, mental health, work and more. It is also unlikely for me to move-out on my own, without these things. I would be lucky to move out of my mothers home in my forties, but again…I do not think that far ahead. I did not want to make it to 2018, let alone 20 years down the line. I know how harsh life can be, and I know that if I cannot survive now, I will not survive later on.
I am holding onto so many problems that I have not been able to find closure for any of them and my head is now at boiling point. How do I find closure for things that happened in the past and how do I come to terms with the things that people did / said to me? The closure process is painful, and I fear that starting it would be my downfall. It is another risk that I am worried about.
I personally, do not know how people are able to come up with solutions to problems like this. When I hear things like:
“You need to surround yourself with good memories.”
“You need to think more positively.”
“You need to get out there, travel and experience life a bit.”
I then think,
“How on earth am I meant to do that when I cannot even step outside the front door and not experience a flashback?”
How does one find a solution to this ongoing problem? The problem of feeling on-edge all the time and wanting to die. Does this mean I am a freak? Because I feel like one, all of the time. In all honesty, I feel like a mistake. A BIG ONE. I know negative thoughts will get me no-where, but that is all that seems to preoccupy my mind. When I ask my friends what stops them from committing, they tell me “my kids,” or “my family.” They have responsibilities, but I do not… I have no children, because I want none and family is difficult to talk to about this because it always seems to pan out the same way. I cannot talk to my mother about it either, because she is religious and I am often told it is a spiritual thing, so I cannot confide in her. (It has died down a little, but I can tell she still thinks it, which is why I keep to myself).
I have talked to counsellors at college, university and outside of university. I have talked with the Samaritans, lowdown and crisis team on many occasions. I have been to A&E to talk with the nurses, as well as had many evaluations from mental health nurses, talked with friends and have tried my coping methods, but none seem to work. So, what can I do?
Suicide is a feeling that seems to reside within me no matter what I do. It appears at spontaneous times and makes me feel bad about myself. There are times I wish I could just be ‘normal,’ but other times, I just want to curl-up and die. I am so sorry for anyone who experiences depression like this. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.